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Coleraine Young Farmers Club


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Two cows were talking in the field one day.
First Cow: "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"
Second Cow: "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"

Q: What do you call a cow that has had a calf?

A: Decalfeinated



Great Truths About Life

  • You can't trust your dog to watch your food

  • You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk
  • Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time
  • If you find yourself in a hole, stop diggin'
  • Always drink upstream from the herd
  • Lettin' the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in

Downhome farmer truisms

  • Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree

  • Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held it's ground
  • You know you are getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there
  • Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Try to grow chickens

A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.

"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied.

A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.

"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?" asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."

Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock.
Celebrating an event
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

Not quite the original:
Mary had a little lamb
it's fleece was black as soot
and into Mary's bread & Jam
his sooty foot he put.

Practical problem:
Mary had a little lamb
it's wool was white I think.
She washed it with her underwear
and now it has turned pink.

Remember the old money?
Suzy had an iron cow
she milked it with a spanner.
The milk came out in shilling tins
the little ones a tanner.

To bring it up-to-date:
Helga has a robot cow,
she twiddles dials and meters.
Milk comes out in cartons now,
a euro for two litres.

Two cows in a field. One says to the other,
"What do you think about this mad cow disease?"
The other replies,
"Crikey, a talking cow!"

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. Because it's too far to go round.

Q. Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
A. The outside.

Q. What do you call a chicken wearing a shell-suit?
A. An egg.

A recent EU directive states that is no longer legal to keep chickens in the back yard.
From now on they must be kept in the back metre.

Q. How many farmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Can't be done.
   Why not?
      A. Well, first you have to find a farmer who can afford a spare lightbulb...

What is the difference between a letterbox and a bull's bottom?
    I don't know
I'll find someone else to post this letter...

Q. Why are you stuffing that sheep into your computer?
A. All together now..Because it needs more RAM.

Q. What's big, red, and might kill you if it fell out of an apple tree as you walked underneath?
A. A combine harvester.

Q. What do you call someone who used to be really keen on tractors?
A. An extractor fan!

At election time a coachload of politicians leaves the road and crashes into a field. When the emergency services arrive the coach is empty and there's no sign of the passengers.
The farmer is there with his tractor so they asked what became of the politicians.
"I buried them." he said.
"They were all dead then?"
"Well, some of them said they were alive but you can't believe anything a politicians says can you?"

The shepherd took his cross-eyed dog to the vet.
The vet picked the dog up to examine him and said, "I'm going to have to put him down."
The shepherd said "It's not that bad is it?"
"No," said the vet, "he's just very heavy."

Q What's brown, sticky and found in the countryside?
A A stick.


Question and answer

Q: Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"?
A: Because it was always running out of the pen.

Cows aren't dumb!